29 August 2009

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What You Gonna Do?

Mood: Frustrated (Writing is not as easy as it should be when your fictional characters refuse to cooperate with you).

What I'm watching: The Police Women of Broward County (Really? Someone should tell the blonde one that the only time that she should be wearing her hair that way is when she's working under cover as a cheap hooker).

I've long since accepted that living in an apartment and sharing thin walls means that I will know far more about my neighbors than I ever cared to know. I know when they're fighting, when they're *ahem* not fighting, what they're having for dinner and that the guy next door should probably see a doctor about his frequent bathroom issues.

So, when the neighbors across the hall started having one of their epic arguments the other night, I didn't think too much of it. When the police showed up it started getting slightly more interesting. Seems that the wife wanted to use the computer and the husband didn't want to let her so he tried to grab the power cord and then attempted to run her over with his rascal scooter. Yep, that's right, our disabled neighbor tried to run over his slightly less disabled wife with his scooter and the police were called to referee the computer argument.

Seriously? They should have just called my mother who would have taken the computer cord, slapped them both and sent them to bed without dinner. But, since they called the police, the officers who responded did their best to diffuse the situation and told them to give one another some space for the rest of the evening. The officer's parting words "Don't start in again the minute we leave." Of course they promised that they wouldn't.

Right. Uh-huh. Like that worked. See, my mother never would have fallen for that and before the officers had even pulled away from the curb, the argument was one once again. Within 10 minutes, the wife was in the hall on the phone with the police again. By this time I was starting to think that I should be standing outside in my bare feet with a baby on my hip while Scott stands next to me wearing a wife beater and drinking a beer. Fortunately, we have far more class so we watched the drama unfolding through the peephole in our front door.

This time the police asked the wife to leave for a while to give the situation a chance to cool. This was probably a wise decision, especially since the husband announced that he'd run out of prozac and so is now unmedicated. By the next morning the wife had returned and the fight was on once again and continued off and on over the next day or so, but, as Scott pointed out this morning, things have been eerily quiet over there for the past 24 hours or so.

Hopefully they've managed to patch things up and work out a sharing schedule for the computer but if a funny smell starts eminating from their apartment over the next week or so I'm not going to be a bit surprised.


23 August 2009

Eye Witness Report: Pig Tour 2009

Mood: Worn out (really worn out)

What I'm watching: Dateline, Real Life Mysteries (here's a thought, if a guy's last two wives have died under very suspicious circumstances, he might not make the best dating material...I'm just sayin').

Scott and I went to the Illinois State Fair this weekend. With all the things to see and do at the fair, my husband still insists on benchmarking the entire event by the foods that he's managed to consume (which has led me to dub it "Pig Tour 2009"). If it was deep fried, on a stick or somehow jammed into a bun with onions and peppers, he needed to eat it. Everything from a polish sausage to fried alligator (yes ALLIGATOR! Which surprisingly wasn't as disgusting one might expect) was consumed through the course of the day. FYI? A chocolate covered, deep fried twinkie? Not nearly as good as one might expect.

In addition to all the food, we saw our share of animals (is it sad that I want a pony?), arts and crafts displays (although really? some of what passes for art really just looks like a big pile of junk to me), and very interesting people (very interesting people).

We also did something that neither one of us has ever done before. We got a psychic reading. Now, I do believe that some people have some special 'abilities' for lack of a better term, but I also believe that most psychics who are out there making a living at it are probably just really good at reading people and making guesses.

But, I decided to go for it since it seemed like a fun and harmless way to pass some time. Besides? I figured that she would be completely wrong and Scott and I could spend the afternoon laughing about her erroneous assumptions and predictions.

Please note: I'm not laughing. I sat down, gave her my name and my birthdate....that was it. I tried to keep my face as unemotional as I could no matter what she said. To the point where she finally said that I was going to have to let her know if she was on the right track. She was. Uncomfortably on the right track as a matter of fact. She knew things that no one should have/could have known by just looking at me. Very specific things that couldn't just generally be guessed or generalizations that could be applied to anyone.

Not everything was spot on but I'd say fully 90% of what she said was so specifically accurate that it was all rather a bit unnerving honestly. The good news? She encouraged me to continue with my writing, (she said this a couple of times even though I never confirmed for her that I wrote). She said that I wasn't confident in my creative abilities (that's a given...what writer doesn't sometimes feel like a talentless hack?), but that I should continue to work on it...that I *needed* to write.

Lots to think about....


19 August 2009

Chicken or Beef?

Mood: Blah. (It's been a long day)

What I'm Watching: Ghost Hunters (Ghosts totally rock! Well when they're not making a mess in my house!)

Really Peta? You honestly think comparing overweight people to whales in this picture is going to turn my fat arse into a vegetarian?? It's just far more likely to just make me hate self-righteous tree hugging hippies.

Sorry folks but I have to admit that I LOVE meat. Yes, I know, "Meat is Murder" but, in my opinion, it's tasty, tasty murder! I freely admit that I would probably chase a cow down in the field for a good steak, I love me some chicken and yes, I sometimes even eat *gasp* pork on occasion. None of that makes me a bad person, nor is your referring to me as a "whale" likely to motivate me to suddenly decide to become enamoured of the vegan lifestyle.

But, lest you think I have no standards at all, I must assure all of you that is not true. I, too, have my own"ethical standards of food consumption". It's simple really; I don't eat anything that is cute. That's right...if I see it in nature and say "awwww" or if I want to pick it up and cuddle with it, then I won't eat it. So, I don't eat: veal (baby cows are adorable), lamb (just too darned cute), deer (how could I eat Bambi?) and Rabbit (c'mon, who could eat cute little bunnies?) just to name a few. Luckily for me, cows, turkeys, chickens and pigs are incredibly ugly creatures.



17 August 2009

Wal-Mart? You're Now On My List!

Mood: Stressed, frustrated, out of sorts (I'm feeling all PMS-y right now)

What I'm watching: Make It or Break It (my very favorite new show...should be cheering me up but, honestly? Not so much.)

I'd like to know just when it was that stores decided it was okay to stop their shoppers at the door and demand to see the receipt for what they've just purchased as though they are common criminals? Honestly? I find the practice demeaning, degrading and dowright annoying.

It happened to me just this morning at Wal-Mart. Already in a crappy mood, I had to stop at Wal-Mart and buy a new printer and some ink for my boss. I had just made my purchases and was on my way out the door when the intrepid Wal-Mart door greeter chases me out the door and demands that I stop and show her my receipt.

Now, I didn't set off the alarm, all of my purchases were neatly bagged in the requisite plastic Wal-Mart shopping bags, and I was dressed in my "I'm a church secretary" finest so I'm not sure what it was that made this teenage moron think that I was a shoplifter but I stopped, dug through my purse and found the receipt that I had neatly tucked away in the pocket of my checkbook wallet. I stood there while she checked and double checked the receipt against the items in my cart before she finally decided that I wasn't an immediate threat to Wal-Mart's bottom line and allowed me to go on my not so merry little way.

Honestly? Do they really think that I would not only be able to shoplift all that stuff but also be able to steal Wal-Mart bags from right underneath the cashier's nose, bag everything up and head out the door without anyone noticing? If so, they are either severly overestimating my criminal skills or they are seriously lacking in the security department.

Really retailers? In this economic recession is it really a good idea to alienate those of us who are actually able and willing to spend our hard earned dollars in your establishment? One of these days someone is going to go completely ape shit on your asses and I'm just going to bet it's going to be me.


15 August 2009

And This May Be Why I No Longer Work Retail...

Mood: Lazy (It's been a busy, busy day and now I'm just plain old lazy)

What I'm watching: Women's Nationals Gymnastics (apparently watching the cheerleading thing last night didn't properly quash my self esteem so I'm going back for more).

Scott and I had to brave Wal-Mart today since we needed Wal-Mart type stuff (body wash, toilet paper, etc.) and we also needed a good price on a new tire for Scott's car.

Normally a trip to Wal-Mart isn't a huge deal but today, well, it was it's own little slice of hell on earth. Why? Three little words. Back.To.School. The aisles were crowded with stressed and weary adults dragging around their cranky and overstimulated offspring. There was yelling and screaming (from the adults) and whining and tantrum throwing (from the children) and snide, irritated comments (from people like me).

Also? We saw a woman have a monumental melt down. She was in the front of the store, screaming at the Wal-Mart greeter that she'd lost her father. Now, we're talking about a woman who was at least 40 years old (with bad make-up making her look an incarnation of Bette Davis ala Whatever Happened to Baby Jane) and she's screaming like a banshee because she's lost her father.

After listening to her yelling at the poor Wal-Mart greeter for about five minutes (and honestly, what power does the Wal-Mart greeter really have?) I was finally able to riddle out what was going on (FYI? Screaming? So not helpful in establishing meaningful communication). Seems her father is something like 95 years old and not in good health. He was riding one of those Wal-Mart carts and had, apparently, gotten himself lost. And, it seems that this woman believed that this was somehow the problem of those who were working at Wal-Mart. She kept screaming that it was important, that they needed to do something that it was a VERY SERIOUS ISSUE.

As I was listening to her rant I began to wonder about a couple of things. First, just what did she expect the people at Wal-Mart to do? Did she expect a super secret Wal-Mart swat team to storm the store and find her father for her? Did she think they'd issue a code Adam for a 95 year old man riding a motorized cart? And, really? If her father's condition was that delicate and he was that unstable then why the heck didn't she stay with him in the first place? I mean, we're not talking about a three year old toddler who can take off like a shot the minute you turn your back. We're talking about a 95 year old man in bad health riding on a motorized cart that goes all of two miles per hour. How the heck does he get away from you in the first place??

I have to say that I stood in silent awe as I watched the employees listen to the screaming without resorting to physical violence. I was impressed as they paged the 95 year old man without ever once pointing out to the hysterically crazy woman that, really, she should have been taking better care of her father and that it wasn't their fault that he'd gotten lost. Personally? I think I would have flicked her in the head and told her that her father had probably run away to get a break from her insane self.

And this may be why I'm no longer employed in the retail sector.


14 August 2009

The Power of the 'Y' Chromosome

Mood: Relieved (It's Friday and my super great boss is back from his sabbatical. YAY!)

What I'm Watching: Cash Cab (Its time for a RED.LIGHT.CHALLENGE! Seriously, I'm frightened by the amount of useless trivia crammed into my tiny little brain.)

I know that men and women are biologically different. I took 8th grade biology and learned all about the bits and pieces the anatomy and the gene science behind it. What they fail to tell you during those classes are the true differences between men and women have very little to do with anatomy. Oh, sure, that 'y' chromosome is responsible for all kinds of "guy" traits like hairy chests, deeper voices and that annoying need to attempt to jump up and hit the tops of doorways and awnings, but really, it's also responsible for what I like to call the 'y' factor.

A prime example of this phenomenon occurred this morning as my loving husband was getting ready to depart for work. Like a 2009 incarnation of Donna Reed, I walk him to the door and wave as he's pulling out of his parking spot. Which, as it turns out, was quite a good thing since his back tire was completely pancake flat.

I flagged him down and pointed out the issue. Considering the fact that he works about 40 miles away and that, if he took time to change his tire, he would be late for work. I offered to let him take my car. I can walk to work as it's not terribly far from our home.

He refuses the offer. Why? Because his car has an "awesome" sound system and he wants to listen to his 'tunes' as he drives. *sigh* FINE. Besides, he says, changing a tire doesn't take that long.

1/2 an hour later, as I was attempting to lift the back end of his car, I was begging to differ with him. Turns out his jack is too big to fit under his car when said car has a completely flat tire. Unfortunately, as I'm not the Incredible Hulk, I was unable to lift the back end of the car a sufficient distance. Once again I offered to let him take my car. The answer? Still no.

Getting nowhere with his jack, I suggested that perhaps the jack in my car would work. Of course, getting at this jack required taking everything out of my trunk (no easy feat) so I once again made the offer of my car. Of couse, we all know the answer by now...don't know why I kept asking.

Luckily, my jack did work. Yay. Scott wrestled his tire off the car, we pulled the tiny spare donut type tire out of the trunk and installed it. When the car was let down, it was painfully obvious that this tiny tire was all but flat itself. Once again I reminded him that he was going to be VERY late for work and that maybe he should take my car. Nope. *Sigh*

He got air in the tire and set off on a 40 mile drive utilizing a tire that is rated not to allow speeds in excess of 50 MPH. And what does this genius do? He gets on the interstate where the speed limit is 65 MPH.

Yep. It's truly is the 'y' chromosome. As in "why do you have to be so stubborn?" and "why do you always have to do things the most difficult way possible?"

*Sigh* Really? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get convicted if I actually got a jury of my peers.


The Good, The Bad, and The Super Cute!

Mood: Sleepy but accomplished (Way past my bedtime but managed to balance the checkbook and pay the bills, so I'm calling it a win!)

What I'm Watching: College Cheerleading Championships (Guess I'm a glutton for punishment because I can't think of a better way to completely destroy my self esteem than by watching a bunch of perfectly toned, tanned, tiny, athletic women half my age flying through the air in perfect synchronization).

Because it's so super late this is just going to be a mini-blog.

First, the good.

My latest obsessions?
1. Make it or Break it. I LOVE this new show on ABC Family. Gymnastics, drama, what's not to love?
2. McDonald's sweet tea. Yummy.
3. Watermelon. It's finally in season and affordable...YUMMY!!!

Now, the bad.

My latest annoyances?
1. Stupid people (okay, this is both ongoing and a given but it still makes the top of the list)
2. People who "borrow" (read: steal) the office supplies off of my desk. People? I NEED those supplies to effectively do my job, that's why they're on/in my desk. If you need a tape dispenser, a stapler, highlighter, etc. Go.Get.Your.Own. Or, at least have the decency to return mine when you're finished. (Also? the person who took my 'to do' list a few months ago? You're still on my list!).
3. Running to answer the phone at work only to hear a "click" and dial tone on the other end.
4. People who take their personal angst out on me. I don't care if you have PMS, got up on the wrong side of the bed or are just in a pissy mood. It's not my fault nor is it my problem so don't take your issues out on me!
5. Blogger...I've tried to post this blog entry for the last half hour. It has frozen up, refused to upload pictures without the use of some four letter words on my part and then will not allow me to use my new, super cool signature. Blogger...you are officially ON.MY.LIST!

Finally, the super cute. My little niece. I can neither confirm nor deny that Auntie Rhonda was an instigator in the completely inappropriate sticking out of the tongue captured in this photograph!

If that little face doesn't make you smile, there's no hope for you at all.

12 August 2009

So, This Whole Hell Thing...How Bad Can it Be Really?

Mood: Stressed & Cranky (long crappy week at work continues)

What I'm watching: King of the Hill (I totally need something to make me laugh!)

Tonight my loving husband and I had a conversation that reminded me of exactly why I will be spending eternity in a rather tropical environment.

Me: Stupid people at McDonalds gave me a bacon ranch burger. Look, it's even marked 'deluxe' but it's a bacon ranch burger. I HATE bacon.

Scott: I know you do, I'll go take it back and get the right burger.

*I would like some brownie points for telling Scott to eat his burger while it was still hot and that he could go back to McDs when he was finished*

As he's on his way out the door, I remind him sternly to tell them that I'm NOT.HAPPY re: getting the wrong sandwich.

When he gets home I ask him if he was sure to tell them how inconvenient the mistake was and how angry and frustrated his wife was.

Scott: No, I didn't. But I got you a new burger.

Me: Why didn't you properly express my fury?
Scott: I couldn't. The guy behind the counter was crippled. I couldn't yell at him.

Me: You wuss!

Yep. That's me being all sensitive and stuff. So, if you happen to be at my funeral please throw some SPF 75 in the casket with me...I have a feeling I'm going to be needing it.

Also? I've posted before about our craptastic neighbors and their ever changing round of, well, crap that shows up in the hallway at random times. So, because I'm feeling cranky and annoyed today, I thought I'd take a few pictures of the crapapolooza that is our hallway and post them here so everyone could have a sense of the gauntlet I have to run every time I leave our humble abode.

A view of the hallway outside our door. The mattress is a fairly new addition to the garage sale chic look of our hallway.
Notice the new addition of the bag of trash. Yes, it smells as bad as it looks. And their kitchen table? That's been out there for days.

An overall impression. The cutesy little country wooden seat with the heart? I guess that's supposed to class up the look of the hallway!

Sigh. Really? I'd like to know how they move all that crap out of their apartment because they're both disabled and can barely walk. I'd go over there and tell them to move their junk but I think I've probably tempted fate enough for one day.

10 August 2009

Love and Marriage...and Other Scary Stuff.

Mood: Cranky (It's been a LONG rough day)

What I'm Watching: Make It or Break It (Weeee...a show about gymnastics, teens and drama!)

My husband? Works in a town 35 miles away. His wallet? At home. His gas tank? On empty. Me? driving an hour roundtrip to take him his wallet. Also? In an almost herculean effort, I managed not to hurt him...not even a tiny bop upside the head.

Truthfully, this is one of the little wonders of married life that they don't tell you about. When you think about being married, it's all flowers and hearts and stars. It's romance and wistful sighs as you think about spending forever together.

Then reality sets in. No one ever mentions the "other" side of marriage. The morning breath, toenail clipping, back zit popping, "can you look at this weird patch of skin on my butt" side of married life. There's something to be said for that type of closeness but really? Sometimes it's a bit much.

So, in the interest of keeping a peaceful and loving home, I'd like to present the following household husband rules:

1.) The garbage can is a container. As we use it everyday, it will eventually become full. When it gets full, it does not suddenly undergo a metamorphasis and become a garbage shelf on which you are meant to stack all the garbage you can, in the style of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

2.) Everyone has bodily functions and no one is particularly interested in or amused by yours. You are not unique nor is your ability to express yourself through your various bodily emissions some sort of talent that will eventually land you a million dollar endorsement deal so please, keep them to yourself.

3.) Likewise, no one is particularly interested in how bad the odor is in the bathroom after you've used it. If you've been in there for a half hour, I can figure it out for myself...announcements are unecessary.

4.) If I've asked you to clear your computer desk for three weeks and you've failed to do so, don't be surprised when I do it myself. Just remember that the priceless information that you have encoded in illegible chicken scratches on random sheets of paper really looks like completely useless rubbish to me and will most likely find it's way into the garbage bin.

5.) Do not slurp...anything. This includes, but is not limited to: soda, milk, soup, ice-cream, and cereal.

6.) Items in our home do not generally float around in midair at eye level. Therefore, if you are looking for something, you will have to move things, open doors and drawers before locating the item. Please make sure that you follow the above instructions before coming to your wife and whining "I can't find (fill in the random lost item)".

7.)Cleaning the kitchen means doing more than just the dishes. The stove is not white with brown speckles, it's white, clean the speckles off of the stove. The table and counters need to be cleared, and by cleared I do not mean putting the stuff into the junk relocation program. Just moving it from the kitchen table to the coffee table in the livingroom is not technically cleaning. The stuff has a home, find it and put it there...our junk is happier when it's in it's home.

8.) If you are sick, take some medicine. If you refuse to take any medication, then I will assume that you enjoy being sick and will provide no sympathy or pampering...so stop whining!

Following these simple rules will ensure that you do not end up getting bopped upside the head...even when you have to call your wife and have her drive an hour round trip to drop off your wallet.


09 August 2009

Just When You Thought It was Safe...

Mood: Satisfied? (Even though the day was wicked hot so we were stuck inside with the air conditioning, I managed to get quite a bit done on my writing so I'm calling it a win!)

What I'm Watching: Will You Kill For Me? An Account of the Manson Murders (Seriously, how screwed up is this guy and the people who followed him?)

This weekend has been a bit of a bust. The weather has been so hot and humid that we were pretty much housebound the whole weekend. Blah. We had been hoping to go camping but camping in a tent when the heat index tops out at 105° isn't our idea of a good time. So, we've been riding the sofa, watching tv and spending way too much time on the internet.

What I've discovered is that there is a great deal of 'true crime' tv on during the weekend, especially on Sunday. Seriously? Do they think people want to come home from church and watch 6 hours of television dedicated to the dissecting the most heinous crimes to ever be committed? Good. Because I'd hate to think I'm the only one so completely and utterly fascinated by the workings of the human psyche, particularly the criminal mind.

So, since it was 40 years ago this weekend that The Manson Family went on a bloody murderous rampage that left 7 people dead, a lot of the true crime programming has focused on the infamous Manson Family. After watching so many interviews, listening to the witnesses and the family members themselves, I'm still left wondering just what it is that makes someone get to the point where they say "you want me to go into that house and stab everyone? Okay, that sounds like a good idea?" Because personally? I'd like to think I'd say (in my best Gary Coleman imitation) "What the hell you talking about Charlie?!?"

Oh, and FYI? They're letting family member and one of Charles Manson's most ardent supporters, Squeaky Fromme, out on parole this week. I'm not sure all the crazy has been purged from this one so I think I'll be sleeping with one eye open for a while just in case...


08 August 2009

My (almost real) Tattoo

Mood: Forgetful (because I promised a while ago to post this picture)

What I'm Watching: Lockup: San Quentin (Wondering why on earth people become criminals...prison definitely doesn't look like fun to me)

So, I posted a couple of posts down about our adventures at the county fair, including my cool, albeit temporary, tattoo. I also promised to post a picture and then promptly forgot. So, here it is, the closest I will ever come to having an actual tattoo.

It's a four leafed clover which has done me absolutely no good since I've since bought two lottery tickets that haven't won me a single penny. Also? This completely showcases how dry my legs are. Must remember to moisturize!!!

It's All Greek To Me!

Mood: Confused (lots of decisions to make, lots of frustration with the writing, lots of internal angst)

What I'm Watching: TMZ (I admit it, I'm hooked on celebrity gossip. Must.have.it!)

Dear Blogger: Why, oh why must you mock my lack of multi-lingual skills? Everytime I try to scroll through blogs, you always bring up those posted in a foreign language. After three years of high school Spanish, I can only manage to order a Coca-cola, ask for the bathroom and say my name. That's it. What makes you think I can read an entire blog written in Chinese or French? Language options? Would be nice and less frustrating for those of us who don't enjoy having our intellectual shortcomings pointed out to us.


A Blogger who has enough trouble with the English language

02 August 2009

Weekend Fun!

Mood: Happy (Scott and I have had a great weekend!)

What I'm watching: Kendra (I know, trashy reality tv, but really? It's the essence of who I am. LOL).

Scott and I woke up on Saturday morning without the foggiest idea what we were going to do this weekend. We had no plans, no ideas, nothing. Oh, we had to do the usual...laundry, shopping, etc. but other than that we were wide open. Now, usually this means that we will either A: spend the weekend sitting on the sofa doing nothing but veggitating in front of tv/computer screens or B: spend the weekend alternating saying "What do you want to do?" / "I don't know, what do you want to do?" Only to settle on doing something like wandering through the local woods for an hour before deciding we're too hot, old and out of shape to do much more than drag our tired selves back to the sofa to commence the tv/computer watching.

However, this weekend was different. We ran our errands and then decided to have a real date night, complete with dressing up, the wearing of make-up (me) and the shaving of the wildebeast beard (Scott).

After dinner we decided to check out the county fair...it seemed like appropriate date night material (well, maybe for teenagers but still).

Things I did/saw at the fair:

1. I petted a baby pig - so soft and cuddly, really, they were cute.

2. I petted baby bunnies - awww...I so want one.

3. I petted baby chicks - felt kinda bad since I'd had eggs for breakfast and I secretly wondered if it was one of their relatives. I think they knew and they were running away from me. :(

4. Saw monkey's riding dogs in a race. Seriously. Who knew this type of stuff existed?

5. Saw a guy wrestling an alligator. When does that ever happen in central illinois?

6. Rode the Tilt-a-Whirl. I haven't ridden one of those in years. Turns out I still LOVE being swung around in circles. I just couldn't stop giggling. Scott? Not so much! LOL.

7. Got a temporary spray on tattoo. I indulged Scott because he really wants me to get a real one and, honestly? Not going to happen.

How many cameras do we have? 2. One digital, one video.

How many pictures do we have of these amazingly interesting and fun experiences at the fair? None.

Why? Because we didn't take our camera. Sigh. Also? I've been down this road enough times to know that if we'd had our camera with us there wouldn't have been a single, solitary thing worth photographing within a 500 mile radius.

I did manage to get a shot of my tattoo when we got home...have to post a pic of that later. :)