10 August 2009

Love and Marriage...and Other Scary Stuff.

Mood: Cranky (It's been a LONG rough day)

What I'm Watching: Make It or Break It (Weeee...a show about gymnastics, teens and drama!)

My husband? Works in a town 35 miles away. His wallet? At home. His gas tank? On empty. Me? driving an hour roundtrip to take him his wallet. Also? In an almost herculean effort, I managed not to hurt him...not even a tiny bop upside the head.

Truthfully, this is one of the little wonders of married life that they don't tell you about. When you think about being married, it's all flowers and hearts and stars. It's romance and wistful sighs as you think about spending forever together.

Then reality sets in. No one ever mentions the "other" side of marriage. The morning breath, toenail clipping, back zit popping, "can you look at this weird patch of skin on my butt" side of married life. There's something to be said for that type of closeness but really? Sometimes it's a bit much.

So, in the interest of keeping a peaceful and loving home, I'd like to present the following household husband rules:

1.) The garbage can is a container. As we use it everyday, it will eventually become full. When it gets full, it does not suddenly undergo a metamorphasis and become a garbage shelf on which you are meant to stack all the garbage you can, in the style of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

2.) Everyone has bodily functions and no one is particularly interested in or amused by yours. You are not unique nor is your ability to express yourself through your various bodily emissions some sort of talent that will eventually land you a million dollar endorsement deal so please, keep them to yourself.

3.) Likewise, no one is particularly interested in how bad the odor is in the bathroom after you've used it. If you've been in there for a half hour, I can figure it out for myself...announcements are unecessary.

4.) If I've asked you to clear your computer desk for three weeks and you've failed to do so, don't be surprised when I do it myself. Just remember that the priceless information that you have encoded in illegible chicken scratches on random sheets of paper really looks like completely useless rubbish to me and will most likely find it's way into the garbage bin.

5.) Do not slurp...anything. This includes, but is not limited to: soda, milk, soup, ice-cream, and cereal.

6.) Items in our home do not generally float around in midair at eye level. Therefore, if you are looking for something, you will have to move things, open doors and drawers before locating the item. Please make sure that you follow the above instructions before coming to your wife and whining "I can't find (fill in the random lost item)".

7.)Cleaning the kitchen means doing more than just the dishes. The stove is not white with brown speckles, it's white, clean the speckles off of the stove. The table and counters need to be cleared, and by cleared I do not mean putting the stuff into the junk relocation program. Just moving it from the kitchen table to the coffee table in the livingroom is not technically cleaning. The stuff has a home, find it and put it there...our junk is happier when it's in it's home.

8.) If you are sick, take some medicine. If you refuse to take any medication, then I will assume that you enjoy being sick and will provide no sympathy or pampering...so stop whining!

Following these simple rules will ensure that you do not end up getting bopped upside the head...even when you have to call your wife and have her drive an hour round trip to drop off your wallet.


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