22 March 2009


Mood: Tired (again...it's a theme in my life lately)

What I'm Watching: The Soup (it's a condensed version of all the reality tv I didn't have time to watch this week....kind of like a twitter version of the inane. I LOVE it!!!)

Since I've been MIA from my blog lately, I thought I'd give a quick run-down of what's been keeping me occupied lately.

1.) My poor hiney. I had to have a colonoscopy. Dude. Seriously. A colonoscopy. *shudder* I had some *ahem* symptoms that required further 'study'. By further study the doctor meant that he was going to shove a 5 foot tube up my backside at 6:30 am on a sunny Wednesday morning. No big deal, right? WRONG. So VERY wrong. Like Angelina Jolie frenching her brother wrong. First, there's the prep. Now, everyone says the prep is the worst part. Basically you drink sewage flavored with an entire container of salt and wait for it to *ahem* cleanse your system. I have to say that I wasn't a huge fan of running to the bathroom every five minutes while my system cleanses itself of things I ate in junior high but it wasn't as bad as everyone said when compared with the actual procedure itself.

Now, let me clarify and say that most people (my loving Sparky included) have absolutely no issues during the procedure itself. The nurses give you a lovely drug called versed and it is supposed to both make you extremely sleepy (so you will hopefully sleep through the procedure) and give you amnesia so that you have no memory of anything having happend (because honestly? Who wants to remember having a five foot tube shoved up where the sun doesn't shine?). However, it seems that there are a few select people for whom this medication does not work as intended. Guess who falls into that special category? That's right. Yours truly.

Some interesting notes from the Operating Room:

1.) When the nurses think you're out (or should be out considering they gave you enough medication to down a bull moose), they have very gossipy conversations. I heard all about their love lives, their friends, their vacation plans, etc. HELLO. Shouldn't someone be paying attention to the person lying on the table?!?

2.) Whenever you see doctors performing procedures on tv the music piped into the OR is always a soothing classical mix so you'll just have to imagine my surprise when I found myself singing along with Gwen Stefani to Hollaback Girl. Shut up. Yes, I know the lyrics and the doctors and nurses totally deserved having to listen to my sleepy, off key rendition.

3.) Everything the doctor says when he's feeding a million foot long tube up your hiney sounds terrifying.

4.) There are some 'bends' in your colon that make navigation a bit 'difficult'...by 'difficult' I mean I now know what it would feel like to have Freddy Krueger trying to claw his way out of my insides so I sincerely hope that the OR rooms are soundproofed because I tend to be very vocal in my displeasure when it comes to pain.

The good news is that everything is fine, meaning I have no cancer...just some minor hemorrhoids (which the doctor showed me pictures of as though I wouldn't believe him when he told me. Or, honestly as if I would recognize my own hemorrhoids in a line up. Dude? Don't want to see the inside of my colon). The doctor says that it's likely from having a job where I sit all day. That's right. My job is officially a pain in my ass!! I always knew it but it's nice to have it medically confirmed.

2.) A Souvenier from the germ factory: In a cruel twist of fate, Sparky and I picked up a nasty case of the stomach flu from the hospital on the day of my colonoscopy. Collectively we spent the next five days in and out of the bathroom in what appeared to be a preparation for our next 20 colonoscopies. Instead of celebrating the good 'no cancer' news, we were cursing the germ factory that is the hospital and the fact that our crappy little apartment only has one bathroom.

3.) Better Living Through Pharmaceuticals: As long as I was at the doctor's office for my hiney issues I decided I'd mention that I was occasionally (every day) having (raging) panic attacks and possibly (probably) a bit (a lot) of depression. Not really sure why except that there does seem to be a sanity shelf life for the women in my family and I guess mine has expired.

The doctor being mostly nice (when he's not shoving a fifty million foot tube up my backside), prescribed some medication to help with the situation. Unfortunately the first medication he prescribed worked a little too well (the words 'bad trip' and 'talk her down' were used by the ER doctor Sparky consulted). It took 24 hours for the effects to wear off and I couldn't be left alone because, well, I was on what amounted to a 'bad acid trip'. After that experience I honestly cannot understand why somone would willingly take drugs and do that to themselves. I mean, for the love of God, I couldn't figure out how to use a pen or sign my own freaking name.

Since then, we've been trying to tweak the combinations of medications to make me happy (but not too happy...wouldn't want to lose the frustrated sarcasm that is the essence of me). So far, it's working fairly well; however, the side effect is that it turns me into an infant who needs a nap every night around 5:30. The doctor says that this will pass as my body adjusts but really? A nap? I haven't taken naps since I was like 2.

....So, there you have it. My life over the past month in a nutshell. Exciting, no??

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