08 January 2009

Shouldn't There be a Test or Something?

Mood: Worried (My new neice, baby Miley, is only four days old and back in the hospital to treat a case of jaundice..I know she'll be fine but I'm worried just the same).

What I'm watching: George Lopez (Gotta Love George....I GOT THIS!)

Honestly, have we gotten to the point where we award a driver's license to anyone who actually manages to show up at the DMV with a pulse? In an effort to lower my bloodpressure and give the horn in my car a break (I'm too ladylike to use hand-gestures), I've generated the following rules for sharing the roadway with me:

1.) It's called a turn signal, it's not there for decoration so I suggest you learn to use it!

2.) If you are driving the wrong way down a one-way street (you know who you are), you do not get to stop your car and cuss me out for being in the "wrong" lane! Seriously, next time, I may be compelled to kick your hiney just on principle.

3.) Do Not ride my bumper. I can't stress this enough. Somedays I'm irritated enough with the world that I just might have to slam on my breaks and allow you to hit me. Remember, where I live it doesn't matter the reason, if you rear-end someone the accident is YOUR fault. I know from experience replacing my bumper costs in the neighborhood of $2,000. Oh, and if you think riding my bumper is going to make me go faster...it won't. In fact, when someone is riding my bumper, the craziest thing happens...I suddenly start driving like I'm 105 years old and can't find the gas peddle...I once made a guy follow me for 10 blocks at 4mph...don't test me!

4.) Do Not park so close to me that you need a can opener to get out of your vehicle because if you hit my car with your door because you were too stupid/drunk/blind or just plain ignorant to park your car in an appropriate manner, rest assured that I will hunt you down and make you pay for the damage. By the way, I also know from experience that re-painting my car door will run you somewhere in the neighborhood of $500.

5.) This one is for pedestrians but, since it pertains to driving as well, I thought I'd include it. Do Not walk right out in front of me and expect me to slam my breaks and come to a screeching halt just to avoid hitting you. My car is big and your bones are fragile...you do the math. Sure, most of the time I will stop because I like my car and I don't want blood stains on it. BUT. You just never know when I'll decide that running your stupid self over is a public service. Honestly, if you can't figure out that a huge metal object hurling at you going at least 30 MPH is something to be avoided, you shouldn't be allowed to contaminate the gene pool.

6.) If you are cruising the parking lot, looking for a place to park, you do not get to stop and block traffic for ten minutes while waiting for someone to unload their cart and vacate their parking space. First, someone like me is likely to come unglued and hurt you and second, it really will not hurt your couch potato backside to walk five more feet into the store.

7.) Pursuant to Rule 6. Should you decide to stop and block traffic for an extended period of time only to discover that you are much too close to the car in question to allow it to vacate the parking space you so ardently desire, Do Not expect me to back up and give you room. You can put your car in reverse, inch backwards, give me dirty looks and honk your horn all you want. I'm.not.moving! Not only will I not back up, but after you've been forced to move along and leave behind your "prime" parking spot, I will allow the car to vacate it's spot and will park in the coveted spot myself.

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