30 November 2009

Tis the Season to be Shopping...

Mood: Tired (It was a very long weekend)

What I'm Watching: (Intervention. Seriously, how can someone be taking 3 times the maximum dose of a prescription drug and still insist they're not addicted?)

Current Word Count: 5,221 (yikes! Had to do some majorly ruthless cutting as my story arc decided to take a slightly different direction than the one I had originally planned.)

Black Friday. A day of national insanity that can only be attributed to the copious amounts of carbs consumed on Thanksgiving combined with an extreme need for retail therapy to purge the stress induced by a day spent immersed in the fun family drama that is a happy family holiday.

The hubs and I succumb to this time honored tradition every year, but, having at least two functioning brain cells, you will never find my happy ass waiting in line in the freezing cold at 3 freaking am just so I can save a few dollars on ANYTHING! However, lest I get to feeling too superior, I will drag myself into a store at the crack of 10 am and stand in line for a half hour to do some serious Christmas shopping ($45 gift for $12.99...squeeeeee!!!).

Although, I happily found many bargains in my shopping excursion, I also found myself teetering dangerously near homocidal tendencies as I made my way through crowded store after crowded store. So, in the interest of making Black Friday a more enjoyable shopping experience for everyone (namely me) and keeping people (again, namely me) from going completely ape-shit insane, I propose the following Black Friday Rules for Proper Shopping Etiquette:
  • Parking lots will be crowded. Tempers will be short. Blocking a string of cars in the parking lot so you can wait while someone loads their trunk up with three carts full of stuff? Is just rude. Getting out of your car to yell at me because I won't back up so that you can pull your oversized SUV into said parking space? Makes me question whether or not you have a death wish. Really, Miss 'I can't be bothered to park more than five feet from the entrance of the store', I suggest that you just accept that you're going to have to park in the 'back 40' like the rest of us "common folk" and use the extra exercise to work off that second piece of pumpkin pie that you know you had on Thanksgiving. Seriously.
  • Yes, the lines are long. You knew this when you got into said line that was snaking through the entire length of the store. Whining, fussing, and generally bitching about the length of said line? Not cool. Listen sister, you're young, healthy and thin and if my tired, middle aged, fat ass can stand in line without bitching then so can you. If you can't? I may feel a compulsion to bitch slap you. Fair warning.
  • A word to merchants: After waiting in line that snakes roughly the length of the Great Wall of China to make a purchase you really should offer a snack, a smile and NOT make the customer show a receipt two feet from the checkout where you just watched her pay for her purchases. Best Buy? I'm totally looking at you here. FYI? I totally blew by the receipt checker guy. Go me! I'm such a rebel.
  • Cell phone users stopping in the middle of the main aisles to text your bff's, check your voicemails or update your Facebook status? Just no. Really. No.

The hubs and I no doubt will be out in the insanity again next year but, I have no doubt that, with proper medication and enough pumpkin pie, I will once again be able to avoid actually inflicting bodily harm on those who insist on annoying the holy living crap out of me.



  1. Oh my word, somehow you've managed to make the most horrifying experience seem downright hilarious. Seriously, I'm like rolling in a vat of my own laughtertears. "Crack of 10 AM?" Ha! That was me! I did, like you, immerse myself in the madness, but did it like a bat out of hell rushing like a crazed psychopath through the stores. I believe the foam at the mouth was a nice touch--certainly enough to get bumped to the front of the line. Next year, I'm totally putting on a show: "Excuse me honey *cough cough* Did the doctor say my tuberculosis was contagious?

    Gotta love Black Friday. Thanks for another FANTASTIC post!

  2. You're too funny! Foaming at the mouth!?! Nice touch! I bow to your superior Black Friday shopping technique. Also? *slaps self on forehead* Why didn't I think of that?!? I need something because obviously my "I'm totally pissed off and teetering on the edge of ripping your head off with my bare hands" death glare is losing it's effectiveness.


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